Hi, I’m Magda and I’m 25 going on 80. I’ve always been told that I am an old soul but sometimes I feel like I take that concept a bit too far. Luckily, I have the skin of a pubescent 15 year old, so there’s one way that you can tell that I’m not actually 80.  An expectation exists that typical ‘twenty-somethings’, unlike myself, enjoy the night life and are able to let loose with some alcohol and a group of fun friends. However, let me paint you a picture about what MY clubbing reality is…

GETTING READY

Expectation
Getting ready with your girlfriends!You’re all together, curling hair, painting faces, spraying perfumes, gossiping and messaging boys…It’s like a 90’s girl-band video clip dream!

Reality
It’s a sweaty mess and shit’s everywhere man. Your small, crowded and over-heating room is starting to look like a war zone. Make-up is getting everywhere, hot hair tools are burning necks and ears left, right and centre.  You’re about to pass out from all of the fumes of the potent hairsprays and fruity perfumes; which are attaching themselves to the back of your throat. Not to mention that there are mountains of clothes scattered everywhere because you have “nothing to wear!!!”

READY TO GO!

Expectation
Looking and feeling sexy!Your outfit is ‘on point’, your hair’s ‘on fleek’, your winged liner can ‘cut a bitch’ and all that sort of stuff…

Reality
Looking and feeling like CRAP! Never mind tackling your inability to breathe due to your spanx, which aren’t controlling anything- especially your will to live. When you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror and under different lighting, you realize that you mistakenly achieved the ‘Hooker Clown Chic’ look! Confidence level: -50.

 GETTING TO THE CLUB

Expectation
It’s time for pre-drinks and then to catch a taxi to the club! You all get in the car and make your way into the city. As your car pulls up at the club, you all step out gracefully. Your hair is blowing in the wind as you stand up nice and tall. You watch everyone’s heads turn to admire the group of sexy girls that just pulled up…

Reality
You have pre-drinks and because you don’t know how to drink a beverage slowly, you feel sick and are going cross-eyed. You get in the taxi for the half hour drive to the city, which costs a good $80. Plus you have to direct the taxi driver to where you’re going. (That’s because $80 for half an hour of reckless driving is not enough money for someone to do their job properly. Lower your expectations please.)

So you get to the club and notice that the line is massive. As you step out, you realize that there is no classy way for a girl wearing a dress to step out of a car. Suddenly, the crowd has seen more of you than most of the people you love. People are staring and at this point, your ‘resting bitch face’ is out in full force. Best of all, you’re walking like a dinosaur because your heels are too high. Stop walking like a dinosaur! Nope, can’t help it- still walking like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Now you look like a hooker-clown- T-Rex. Woo.

“IN DA CLUB”

Expectation
Having fun in the club! Your drink is in your hand, you’re laughing and dancing and the crowd is so much fun!

Reality
Oh my god, I am going to die- either from heat exhaustion or from the pain in my feet. The only thing keeping me alive is when the odd NSYNC song comes on. Nevertheless all I can think about is saying ‘Bye Bye Bye’ to this place. The minute you think of your comfortable bed and taking your heels off- the night is officially over. I then become THAT girl. THAT girl who complains about her feet hurting. THAT girl who throws hints about going home even though it’s only midnight. By this time, everyone is sloppy. Guys are trying to stumble over and seduce you with their beer breaths and lazy drunk eyes- despite you looking like a very exhausted T-Rex-clown-thing. It’s home time.

 HOME TIME

Expectation
You and your new, hot friends from the club go and get a kebab and add each other on Facebook! Then you end the night at your friend’s house, have a slumber party and plan tomorrow night’s clubbing adventures! So much fun!

Reality
You’re tired, looking a mess and contemplating walking bare foot. Somehow cutting your foot on broken glass seems less painful than staying in these shoes. You go through the Maccas drive through in the taxi which means that you’re now paying $100 to get home; but oh man, it’s worth it. When you get out of those clothes, wash your face and have a bottle of water; you get into bed and your body sighs. Aaahhh, THIS is living, Barry! Your head is spinning and it’s like your brain is bopping up and down on some violent waves. You close your eyes and take a minute to feel thankful. Thankful that you and your friends are all party poopers together and for that, you love them. You fall asleep, unaware of the battle that awaits tomorrow morning and how you won’t have any money to pay your phone bill…But that’s a whole other story…

If you ask me, (which you haven’t, but oh well),- the recipe for a good weekend involves good company, good laughs, good food and comfortable, (but stylish), shoes. Shout out to my beautiful friends who have put up with me for all of these years! Thank you for being party poopers with me.

Lots of love,

Magda xx