“My anxiety is silent. You wouldn’t even notice a change on the outside, but I’m honestly so stressed I can’t even manage simple tasks. People call me lazy when in reality I’m just overwhelmed.”

 

I have left jobs without notifying a soul, I have ignored friends for weeks after letting them down, I delayed my university graduation date because a boy broke my heart and it took me a year and a half to get over getting rejected by my first workplace that I began my career in.

Am I weak? Am I just making excuses? Am I selfish? Am I too dramatic?

 I have been told all of these things during my life. At the time I would feel sick and disgusted with myself until the day that I took action and I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I also discovered that I’ve had anxiety since childhood!

WOW! FINALLY! I’m not a bad person, my brain is just causing me to react differently to everyday situations and that is ok!

Stress.

We all go through it. It is a part of life.

In High School I would stress over issues such as, would the popular guy look at me at the lockers? What would I do if my best friend was sick and I would be left alone in class? Or the biggest one; will I pass my TEE exams so I can get my career and begin my life?!

This was stress? I was not prepared for when life really began as an adult and what “stress” really felt like!

Life.

Welcome to attempting to balance a:

Career or some sort of professional job where you will come across rejection, where you have to be assertive to a boss or a colleague who is doing you wrong and where you realize loyalty doesn’t exist. The old me couldn’t look my boss in the eye and felt stupid 24/7, the old me couldn’t mask up the courage to walk into my ex boss’ office after getting rejected in an unprofessional and hurtful way way. I never had closure because I didn’t receive feedback about why I wasn’t returning the next year, nor did I get to speak my mind and let this person know how inappropriately the situation was handled. The new me knows to be assertive and voice my opinions to my authorities ….I do need to remind myself of this regularly as it isn’t easy for any one, let alone someone with anxiety.

Friendships. They aren’t easy. You realise that friends actually change and don’t always last forever. The old me would have exhausted herself trying to make people stay and count how many years we could all say we lasted. The new me understands quality and would prefer that feeling to the feeling of staying in a friendship that has dried out for whatever reason.

Relationships. Oh that first time you got sick and fell hard for a guy and he rejected you….No one trains you for that feeling. The old me would be too anxious to admit to having feelings for someone, I would play it cool and continue to be dated “casually” whilst my crush was also dating other girls in front of me. Hello nights of crying and feeling sick constantly. (Oh Anna….you silly girl.) The new me, (and this has only happened since maybe turning 24), opens up about my feelings and asks questions if I am unsure from the beginning. (No matter if it makes me dry reach waiting for the reply.)
No matter the risk of rejection, I would rather get over it now than be used and have to get over more of an attachment later when I get hurt.

The list goes on…..

Debt, loans, shitty customer service and a never ending count down, (thank you social media), of who is getting engaged first, married, babies, homes, promotions, wealth, beauty and success. Do we get taught efficient coping mechanisms or practice them enough? Naturally, every single human being will be stressed over these milestones that you’re just dying to get ticked off your life list the minute you walk out of your school graduation. Do we ever really feel in control of the race of life?

In conclusion, at 25 I am aware that I will forever have anxiety and I am completely ok with that. My task is to remind myself on the daily that when I am starting to feel sick in the stomach, when my mind is racing at night because of something that isn’t even that serious, or sometimes real…that these feelings are just feelings and I need to bring out Assertive Anna and tackle them head on.

Lastly and most importantly, for the times that I am human and find myself desperately stuck in my trap of overanalyzing and irrational thoughts, my beautiful friends and family- who, yes, are now actually aware of my anxiety and all the little physical cues that come with it-come to the rescue to help calm me, break down the situation and bring me back to reality. I am so grateful for that. We can’t be in this alone.

I hope I have reminded you that next time you are feeling stressed or anxious, to stop and be kind to yourself and be the most impressive, assertive YOU that you can possibly be! Be the overprotective sister to yourself! (Hehe, thanks Magda.)

P.s It is more fun to be a little different no matter what form that comes in and life is best lived when you just let go! 😉

Love

Anna

xxx