Oh the Tinder tales that are out there. The trials and tribulations of the Tinderverse. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. The Tinder game is strong and the hate for it is stronger. Smart girls get played and finding a relationship in 2018 is a whole other ball game to when people used to meet organically.
My sister is a hot, smart young lady and she’s been doing this experiment of being on Tinder. She was on it a couple of years ago and has come back to see if anything has changed and apparently, it has not…I selfishly love hearing the stories and talking about the types of douches guys she comes across…Here is Anna’s take!

You know that exact feeling you get when you are tagged in a meme that resonates so accurately with your life that you just want to shout out, “YESSSSSSS!!!”.

Well get ready, because some of you may relate to what I’m about to talk about…

Are you the only single one in your friendship group, staff room and basically the world?

Is everyone overly concerned with how much you are “obviously struggling” in life, because you’re single and need intervention immediately? Yep, that’s me.

There comes a time when you need to surrender to the pressures and just download Tinder once again, only to remind yourself in the first 15 minutes, why you deleted it last time.

OK, let’s start swiping!

The Developing Seed
What a catch! Good face, good body AND he has his family as one of his loves in his bio. Call your friends…this is it…looks and morals…What a combo, mate!

Guy: Hey beautiful.
You: Hi, how are you? 🙂
20 minutes later after too much snore-worthy small talk…
Guy: Do you have snapchat?
10 minutes later at 11pm…
Guy: Hey sexy, so are you free right now?
You: DELETE.

Always Adventuring, Never Settling Dude
The adventurous, super friendy, great toothed, super charming guy that has amazing photos of all his outdoor activities he likes to take part in. He’s trying really, really hard to show that he stand up paddle boards, snorkels and sky dives every weekend.
You’ve had great conversation for a few days. He makes you believe you have been best friends for years! Wow, this feels so easy!

Well…He likes to take his time to catch up and then usually he’s off to London to “make more money”, or is moving to the other side of the country just “for a change”, you know.

You: So when are we going to catch up?
Guy: How about tomorrow?
You: I can’t, what about the weekend?
Guy: Sorry babe, but I actually fly out to Melbourne on Saturday. I was really hoping to see you before then?
You: Oh! That’s OK, we can catch up when you come back.
Guy:….Ummm I am actually moving there babe….
You: Oh for f**** sake!! I’m done with Tinder.

It’s hard being so outdoorsy and active, it’s so boring to not be constantly on the move! Right?
NO!
Why bother talking to me if you’re planning on moving? NO, I DON’T WANT TO CATCH UP WITH YOU! I’M SETTLED AND I’M A GROWN WOMAN! Leave me alone, unsettled little boy.

This is sadly a positive situation. What about the girls that get this pleasant surprise after actually dating for a while? Some of these Tinderees treat their big “future” moves as a minute piece of information that was somehow left out of the late night chats you were having! Douche.

The Just No
Guy: Hey sexy!
You: DELETE!

The Foreigner
The foreigner with the plane emoji in his bio.

Just don’t even bother going there!  He is probably already checking in his luggage to his next nomadic destination in the world as we speak…

You need to find The One, remember!!

 The Nice Guy
Oh no. Remember that initial first night you were so pressured by your “worried” mates that you were up until 2 in the morning going cross eyed swiping your life away?
Yeah, you accidentally swiped right on a face that you usually wouldn’t really swipe right on…I mean, just re-read that sentence. How desensitized and mean have we become? Tinder has ruined us!!!!

So anyway, this is bad for you, but great for him!
Of course this guy is 100 percent into you, has manners and actually wants to hear all about your life goals and is just plain nice!! Then you go through the internal battle of reminding yourself that this is why you are single. You are mean to nice guys and nice to the mean ones! Nice guys really do come last in the Tinderverse, because the pre-requisite for a match is so shallow!
So, the internal battle continues and you remind yourself that you cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone.
Suddenly, all of your mum’s comments on “Looks aren’t everything!” Flood your conscience. You need to stop being so shallow and go for personality for once and maybe then you will find someone…
Yeah, nah…Maybe next time, my nice friend.

Now that your friends know that you’ve downloaded this horror, they want you to tell them everything. “Catch up for coffee, ASAP! Tell me everything!”

No. Leave my fellow singletons and I alone! Leave us in peace to starfish in our own bed at night, to get lost and live vicariously through Netflix shows whilst getting pleasure from our late night snacks that we can eat in our beds without judgement.

Believe it or not, we were actually happier before you convinced us that we needed to ‘actively” seek out our future one and only!

Here’s to being happily single and meeting gentlemen organically and to the ladies and gentlemen who know how to handle a relationship with respect and decency!

Lot’s of love,

Anna & Magda